I am not a loser. I always looked at that word with utter disgust. Oxford calls a loser-A person who has given up being presented on every challenge. I never gave up on anything. I tried my hand at everything and failed. Marraige, Work, Relationships, Gambling, everything , I had tried it all but then it was never my time. My wife told me before she left me " I hope that someday you will learn from your mistakes. When I look at your life now.... Loser !". I never learnt from my mistakes. There was no regret when she left. I had always seen it coming. All the thoughts in my mind then were " YOU ARE NOT A LOSER ".
Life was never easy. People keep telling me that " Dude , Everyone has problems." or " You are just going through a bad spell ". Damn. I have waited for the last 5 years for the bad spell to go away. But life has not gotten any easier.
I was so tired of seeing the same people everyday. You wake up and see your wife there. You have breakfast and you see your children there. On the way to work , you say " Good Morning " to the same people everyday. I worked in a cubicle for the last 10 years. Everytime I went to work , I would see the exact same things. Pencils neatly placed in the stand, papers neatly arranged just as I left them yesterday. Work was a routine. There was no difference today as from the first day I joined the company. Everytime I stood up in my cubicle and looked around I saw people engrossed in the dull drafts in front of their round spectacled faces. Even their lunch conversation was DULL. The usual stuff " Did you who the boss is sleeping with?" , "did u watch the show at 9.20 on "...well you get the picture. There was never what people called " JOB SATISFACTION ".
During college was when life was good. But that seems like ages ago. I was one of those people you always wanted to be, smart handsome and popular. Me and four other guys were the popular people of the class.We did everything our way. I was what people would call the " Gang Leader ". Everywhere we went we ruled. Picking up girls at bars was as easy as mom picking up groceries. But after college my friends got into their own lifestyle and we gradually lost touch with each other. Every now and then people pop up but then its hard to make conversation with them now.
My marraige was one of the saddest stories ever written till date. It was a marraige decided by our parents. I had no word in the matter. The girl and date were completely decided by my parents. Initially things were good. She was an interesting girl, I had just got a new job , a new life it seemed looked before my eyes. We had twins within 2 years of marraige. I thought I could learn to enjoy this new life.But then not everything was as colourful as it initially seemed. I always longed for that life of college, where I was the king. Now I am just a pawn moved by all the factors in my life.
Fights between me and my wife started off slowly. Initially it was about the food, then it became about my constant bitching about my life. I was started to hate it. ROUTINE .!!. I felt there was nothing to look forward to in life. I think it suits certain people but not me. Slowly there was this gap that came between us. We stopped talking slowly. Even regular visits to the psychiatrist did no good. One dinner she came up to me and said " I am leaving you now. I see there is no point in my continuously suffering in this marraige. You hate your life. Only losers hate their own life."
I am not a loser. I never thought I was. But just when she said it then, i thought to myself "ARE U ??". I woke up the next morning and things didnt seem any different at all. She had taken the kids and packed her bags and left the previous night. On the bed side table was a paper that read " DIVORCE NOTICE ". With no feeling I got dressed and left to office.
I sat in my cubicle and thought about how riddiculous my life was. Gradually I started visiting the local gambler. My "FRIEND " took me there saying it would make me forget about my wife.Although I wasnt thinking about her just the words she said kept ringing in my head. In my effort to forget it I started playing a game of rummy. I was good at card games. A Natural, A Pro. Winning a few games slowly took my mind of my life. I started making it a regular habit of going there. Some days you win some , some days you lose some. Losing hurt. I started betting more and more money and then before I knew it , I had lost everything. My money, my car, my house and slowly my life.
People at work soon heard of my gambling obsession and fired me instantly. It was a shameful thing being shouted upon and being watched by all the sad people around me. Funnily I think to myself, in their sad life that day must have been the most entertaining and made great lunch time conversation at the office cafeteria.
My parents could no longer look upon me as a suitable son. My dad dismissed me after my wife left me. My mom though who was a little more compassionate then had slowly given up faith in me after the obsession began.Soon her health deteriorated and my dad started taking care of my mother being there all the time
So with all this going on in my life and nothing to live for I am a loser. Its going to be just a few hours before they come and seize my house from me. So I decided to write this letter to remember me by. I will be dead before anyone even opens the doors and sees my body hanging down from the ceiling. I have realised one thing though at the end of this letter. I am a LOSER.
Strangely ,at the end even the things you hate say dont seem so bad. I could never learn to adjust to the people around me. I kept bitching about how boring my life was. I thought I was to special to leave and ordinary life. I was wrong. My stupidity blinded me from reality. There is nothing wrong with a normal life.
I have had several regrets in this life, things I might have said or done.Even if i could i would not return back to the life where there were nothing special. Routine has killed me. Not even the noose around my neck. I was dead even before i woke up this morning. This letter is just a reminder of my existance. People would soon refer to me as their son, her ex husband, their late father.I also request of you, dont use my life as any example. I am just another one of the regular suiciders frustrated with life and the things that have happened to me. We are LOSERS. We gave up on life just because we saw a little sadness. We dissolved ourselves furthermore in this sadness and started becoming a social reject. I dont know how much difference my not being here will make but if there was any inconvinience caused by me " I am Sorry ".
Life was never easy. People keep telling me that " Dude , Everyone has problems." or " You are just going through a bad spell ". Damn. I have waited for the last 5 years for the bad spell to go away. But life has not gotten any easier.
I was so tired of seeing the same people everyday. You wake up and see your wife there. You have breakfast and you see your children there. On the way to work , you say " Good Morning " to the same people everyday. I worked in a cubicle for the last 10 years. Everytime I went to work , I would see the exact same things. Pencils neatly placed in the stand, papers neatly arranged just as I left them yesterday. Work was a routine. There was no difference today as from the first day I joined the company. Everytime I stood up in my cubicle and looked around I saw people engrossed in the dull drafts in front of their round spectacled faces. Even their lunch conversation was DULL. The usual stuff " Did you who the boss is sleeping with?" , "did u watch the show at 9.20 on "...well you get the picture. There was never what people called " JOB SATISFACTION ".
During college was when life was good. But that seems like ages ago. I was one of those people you always wanted to be, smart handsome and popular. Me and four other guys were the popular people of the class.We did everything our way. I was what people would call the " Gang Leader ". Everywhere we went we ruled. Picking up girls at bars was as easy as mom picking up groceries. But after college my friends got into their own lifestyle and we gradually lost touch with each other. Every now and then people pop up but then its hard to make conversation with them now.
My marraige was one of the saddest stories ever written till date. It was a marraige decided by our parents. I had no word in the matter. The girl and date were completely decided by my parents. Initially things were good. She was an interesting girl, I had just got a new job , a new life it seemed looked before my eyes. We had twins within 2 years of marraige. I thought I could learn to enjoy this new life.But then not everything was as colourful as it initially seemed. I always longed for that life of college, where I was the king. Now I am just a pawn moved by all the factors in my life.
Fights between me and my wife started off slowly. Initially it was about the food, then it became about my constant bitching about my life. I was started to hate it. ROUTINE .!!. I felt there was nothing to look forward to in life. I think it suits certain people but not me. Slowly there was this gap that came between us. We stopped talking slowly. Even regular visits to the psychiatrist did no good. One dinner she came up to me and said " I am leaving you now. I see there is no point in my continuously suffering in this marraige. You hate your life. Only losers hate their own life."
I am not a loser. I never thought I was. But just when she said it then, i thought to myself "ARE U ??". I woke up the next morning and things didnt seem any different at all. She had taken the kids and packed her bags and left the previous night. On the bed side table was a paper that read " DIVORCE NOTICE ". With no feeling I got dressed and left to office.
I sat in my cubicle and thought about how riddiculous my life was. Gradually I started visiting the local gambler. My "FRIEND " took me there saying it would make me forget about my wife.Although I wasnt thinking about her just the words she said kept ringing in my head. In my effort to forget it I started playing a game of rummy. I was good at card games. A Natural, A Pro. Winning a few games slowly took my mind of my life. I started making it a regular habit of going there. Some days you win some , some days you lose some. Losing hurt. I started betting more and more money and then before I knew it , I had lost everything. My money, my car, my house and slowly my life.
People at work soon heard of my gambling obsession and fired me instantly. It was a shameful thing being shouted upon and being watched by all the sad people around me. Funnily I think to myself, in their sad life that day must have been the most entertaining and made great lunch time conversation at the office cafeteria.
My parents could no longer look upon me as a suitable son. My dad dismissed me after my wife left me. My mom though who was a little more compassionate then had slowly given up faith in me after the obsession began.Soon her health deteriorated and my dad started taking care of my mother being there all the time
So with all this going on in my life and nothing to live for I am a loser. Its going to be just a few hours before they come and seize my house from me. So I decided to write this letter to remember me by. I will be dead before anyone even opens the doors and sees my body hanging down from the ceiling. I have realised one thing though at the end of this letter. I am a LOSER.
Strangely ,at the end even the things you hate say dont seem so bad. I could never learn to adjust to the people around me. I kept bitching about how boring my life was. I thought I was to special to leave and ordinary life. I was wrong. My stupidity blinded me from reality. There is nothing wrong with a normal life.
I have had several regrets in this life, things I might have said or done.Even if i could i would not return back to the life where there were nothing special. Routine has killed me. Not even the noose around my neck. I was dead even before i woke up this morning. This letter is just a reminder of my existance. People would soon refer to me as their son, her ex husband, their late father.I also request of you, dont use my life as any example. I am just another one of the regular suiciders frustrated with life and the things that have happened to me. We are LOSERS. We gave up on life just because we saw a little sadness. We dissolved ourselves furthermore in this sadness and started becoming a social reject. I dont know how much difference my not being here will make but if there was any inconvinience caused by me " I am Sorry ".
